The confessions of a mama freak

At 17 years old I remember finding out I was pregnant. I remember being scared but I knew I would be the best mom I could be. I had a great support system between mine and Caleb’s family. I wished and wished for a little girl and I remember the day April 28, 2015 we found out she was a GIRL!! ❤️  We drove to greenwood just to find out early. A couple weeks later we went to our normal doctor for our 20 week anatomy scan. We went in with our parents as we were all just so excited to see her again and we didn’t think anything of it. Next we know the doctor is coming in telling us about some abnormalities they saw that could fix them self’s or they wouldn’t. It was kind of a waiting game. We did some blood tests and they had came back normal.  I went back for another ultrasound and got referred to the high risk office in Indianapolis. From there we just monitored her  growth and then the little balls of fluid in her brain were gone, just like the doctor said they could happen. We put all our faith in god and I knew he would keep her safe. I went every week for more ultrasounds and I loved every single one. Seeing her sweet face and the day getting closer and closer. Going shopping with Mimi and Nana getting all the pink nursery decorations we could find. I remember thinking about painting her toes and little bows in her hair. As time went on they saw her clenched fists, her slow growth, her aortic valve was pinched and not letting enough blood flow through and what looked like her intestines coming out of her belly button. We did some more advanced testing for trisomy and it came back negative, again. We met with the surgeons because we knew you would need a couple surgeries. I was 17 and so scared. As the day approached we got to pick the day to get induced! They wanted to induce me so they were prepared for her we chose September 24th. On September 23rd I woke up to my water broke in bed. Of course we were ready and packed but oh so nervous. We loaded her car seat and bag and drove to Indy knowing we would be there about a week.  After 20 hours in labor she just wasnt coming out and I wasn’t dilating any so the doctor told us the next resort would be a c-section. The one thing I asked it not to lead too. Caleb never left my side and held my hand through it all. They finally got her out and I remember asking someone to tell me what was going on I couldn’t hear her crying. All I heard was monitors and when I looked up to ask questions everyone was with her attending to her and next I know she’s being taken out of the room to be transferred to Riley. I felt empty and sad I didn’t even get to tell my baby I love her before they took her. Finally in recovery they brought her to see me I was aloud to touch her for 20 seconds before they took her away, again. I ended up getting discharged early because I couldn’t be away from her anymore. It was early in the morning around 3 am when I got over to Riley and got to meet my baby girl for the first time. I got to change her diaper and it was the happiest moment of my life. She was 4 pounds 7 ounces and all I could dream of. After talking to doctors they told us you would need heart surgery and that was it!! We were all sooooo happy. Two days later we went thorough with her surgery and she did AMAZING. We went and waited for her in recovery. While everyone waited for the other test results to come in we got to give her the first bath and breast milk through her NG tube. Daily rounds of just trying to get you to grow and it was working! As the days went on she amazed us all. A couple weeks later doctors came in and told us we should have our family come up and we set up a meeting. That meeting came around and they informed us she did have trisomy 18. The chromosome disorder two other tests had came back negative for. From there they told us she wouldn’t live. I walked out and went to hold her I couldn’t believe what doctors were telling me. How could my baby be dying? Why us? I prayed every second of every day begging. We asked doctors not to give up on her. Unfortunately because they call trisomy 18 babies incompatible with life there wasn’t much they would do anymore. They wouldn’t of even preformed her heart surgery if they would’ve known. Our next step was removing her breathing tube and seeing if she could breathe on her own. SHE COULD. After a couple hours her little lungs just got worn out. We went to grab lunch as she was doing great and came back to doctors putting the breathing tube back in. We gave it a month and let her grow some more. We spent those days cuddling and watching her grow. Giving her all the love she could dream of. Her first Halloween, first toe nail polish on her little piggies, the first skin to skin, jam sessions and all the Netflix we could watch. Decorating her hospital room to make it feel like home. That day came and we prayed so hard that she would just keep breathing. I remember holding her without her tube in and thinking she is so beautiful. After about 15 hours the doctors came in and told us her heart had stopped and my beautiful baby had gone to be with god. I couldn’t leave..... leaving the hospital with an empty car seat and a broken heart on thanksgiving day. I couldn’t believe it was happening. It has been four years since she was called home. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her or what she would look like. I believe god gave us those negative test results so that doctors would preform her surgery and give us more time with her. I am so thankful for those two months that I got to get to know my daughter. I am so thankful she made me the mom I am today. I am who I am today because of my angel. As time passes the heartache remains the same. I see her in her brother everyday and it brings so much joy to our life.